Editorial: Vote Beast !
by Anton
Shelupanov, Editor
As the last few screams of “M’aidez! M’aidez!” died away and members of the Metropolitan constabulary wiped blood and McFlurries from their truncheons, a terrifying beast approached us. Yes, after months of wrangling and a veritable mountain of burnt cows, the election hit us squarely in the face.
Of course, all the tabloids, including Punch were very busy telling their readers what to think. I imagine the discerning readership of Beast wouldn’t like that sort of thing done to them, so how about we paint a little scenario for you lot instead?
Imagine the following hypothetical situation: three women are fighting over yours truly. Unlikely, I know, but just allow your fancy to fly free for a moment. I shall describe the three lasses to you. One is fairly young but rather unattractive, with scalp problems and such. She spends much of her time in the company of racists and the undead, had a massive alcohol problem when she was younger and is terrified of her best mate who is a closet lesbian. Date number two is very prim, very clean-cut, terribly sycophantic, will claim to be ready to pander to your every whim, no matter how contradictory, in order to get you, but once she does, she will permanently tie you up, take all your cash and starve you. All of her fawning will go out of the window. Unlike date number one, she won’t put Mr Mohammed from next door in a concentration camp, but she will get her mate Scary Jacqui to repatriate him. The third lady is essentially a decent person, but she is a bit overweight, a bit ginger, without any spark, fairly dull and won’t do oral no matter what.
Clearly I was spoiled for choice. Which of the three belles should I have pledged myself to for the next four years?
Actually, rather than trying to pick the least horrendous of the three, masturbation seemed like a much better option.
Now all that is in the past and the electorate went for number 2, please, Cilla. Again. People are such suckers for punishment. It’s quite endearing, really. Ah well. Here at Beast we ask the question - will the unsuspecting contestants notice when Blind Date tuns into Big Brother?
Still it could be worse. We could all be embroiled in a horrible global game of Brucie’s “Price is Right”.