Horoscope
by Atticus "Russell Grant suck the fat
on" Finch
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19): This month will see the usual bout of loose stools with attendant violent outbursts. Drinking chicken blood while wearing a purple cowl may help. That smirk doesn’t suit you at all.
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20): Your colleagues think that you are going slowly insane. Reinforce expectations by kidnapping the photocopier and demanding a hefty ransom from your boss. The New Deal isn’t that bad.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Alright I was wrong about the inheritance business. Give me a break. There is a heaven, but no hell. Note that this means you could end up spending eternity with Harry Secombe, God rest his soul.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Goatie beards are out. Goatie hooves, on the other hand, are an impressive fashion statement. Everyone around you is conspiring to inculcate in you the impression that you are leading an unremarkble life. In fact you are the unacknowledged High Priest of Mesopotamia.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21): You’ve always thought that you were a bit different from everyone else, a bit special. You’re right. No one else exists except you. We are all fictions created by your drug-addled mind. Even me.
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 21): Listen Diane, I’m sorry. Please answer the phone. It was only a small albatross. The ketamine has been flushed down the loo. Please come back.
Leo (Jul 22 - Aug 21): The sun rising in venus means that you will be visited by archangels. Sorry, hang on, that was a breadcrumb. You will in fact be visited by the Jehovah’s witnesses. Tell them you already have divine salvation, thank you very much.
Virgo (Aug 22 - Sep 22): Your financial fortunes are about to remain unchanged. You will discover that someone in your family is a blood-relative. Keeping secrets from loved ones will end in willful concealment of the truth.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22): Thanks for the money. The orphans are very appreciative. Still no peace and happiness? You’re trying too hard.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov. 21): Don’t make expressions like that during intercourse. It is neither helpful nor constructive. Despite appearances, the new secretary does not actually appreciate your morning breath.
Sagittarius(Nov 22 - Dec. 21): You will meet a tall, dark handsome stranger. You will also come into money. Okay, look this isn’t easy, you know.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Computers are a medium designed by malevolent lizards to subjugate human intellect. Communicate only through semaphore. You’ve been lied to. That whole penis-vagina business was a lie told to you to keep you happy.