Foot 'n'Gob : Part One
by Emma Robson
The Sheep Suicides.
Brian was a pitiful sheep all droopy and miserable looking. This probably had something to do with the fact that he was miserable and couldn't get it up. Brian's outlook on life was at best really depressing and at worst like being drown in a thick treacle of despair.
When he was born Brian's mother took one look at him and promptly walked onto a truck headed towards the slaughterhouse without a backwards glance, leaving the poor little lamb to fend for himself as none of the other sheep wanted him either. His youth was spent flitting (well plodding really slowly) from one female adult to another trying to garner even a morsel of affection.
None was forthcoming.
Brian wasn't particularly repulsive, not by a long shot. He looked just like any other sheep. So the reaction of his flock and especially his mother is slightly confusing. No one knows the circumstances surrounding his birth not even Brian, which is why it really can't be explained. I could make up a reason I suppose but it just wouldn't ring true and would satisfy no one.
I do however know why Brian flipped from being an ordinary run of the mill maniacally depressive sheep to a suicidal one... The farmer of this particular farm was gay. Nothing wrong with that at all. In fact the state the farmer was it was a relief to all female members the human race, even those who had never met him were in some undiscovered part of their brain relieved at this particular piece of luck. As were all the male members of the human race when they found out he also didn't like humans at all
You can see where this is going can't you?
The automatic and unexplainable repulsion the sheep felt for Brian was nothing to the full on knee shaking, hip grinding, rock hard pull of desire the farmer got when he noticed the lonely lambs transition from lamb to Ram. His beady eyes, hidden by rolls of fat followed Brian's every move and so did the farmers hand. He was in love. His fevered dreams ran only a close second to the daydreams and tortures he suffered watching Brian's haunches as he slowly wandered up and down the field in his distracted huffy way.
The Farmer restrained himself as much as he could day in and day out, but his constant masturbating was just making him hornier and hornier until one day Brian wandered past while the farmer was whacking one off
To cut a long story short Brian was buggered on various occasions in surprisingly numerous ways.
So its really not surprising that Brian saw death as an appealing alternative to being shagged by a big hairy un-bathed farmer is it? I'd go, as far as to say it's understandable
Now Brian's mother's seemingly easy suicide was misleading, for a sheep suicide is not the easiest thing in the world. I mean for a start there is the question of 'how?' I mean slaughter trucks don't come along all the time you know. Poor Brian with his sore arse and no poseable thumbs was well - if you'll pardon the pun - sodded.
His first attempt was actually rather a good one, you have to give Brian an a for effort, I mean sticking your tongue in a plug socket takes some guts, especially when the wiring in the farmhouse was crazier than a shit house rat, but alas it wasn't to be.
Brian's tongue wasn't wet enough, in fact his mouth was quite dry, maybe it was because he hadn't had a drink for a while or maybe it was because he was being shagged by the farmer at the time. Brian got a mild electrical shock that didn't do a great deal of damage except go a little way to pleasuring the farmer just that touch more. Brian's life had just got worse. Now the farmer made him stick his tongue in a plug socket every week or so, it never killed him.
Brian's second plan was a little more adventurous and at this point it was still credible that he might be able to kill himself, it really was awe inspiring to watch his determination as he used his spindly legs and hoofed feet to haul himself onto the farmhouse roof. The high pitched bleating as he made his running jump can be roughly translated as "Hiiiii yaaa!' He leapt as high as he could for a sheep all four legs in the air as he plunged towards the soft and muddy duck pond.
After that although Brian remained resolved to killing himself his determination seemed to desert him and all his attempts at Kamikaze grew lacsadasal at best. He stood in the middle of the driveway in front of a horse carrier that ought to do it; I mean the difference in size and weight and everything. The fact that it wasn't moving at the time didn't help and he looked rather conspicuous when he stood there for three hours waiting for it too.
He taunted the dogs in the hope that they would rip him to shreds but they just thought he was a sad case and treated him like a retarded human child, Brian didn't mind that at all actually, it made them protective and affectionate.
Day by day Brian's efforts subsided until on the twenty-fifth try he grew tired of trying and just decided to rest , take a few days off from the suicide kick and just chill out. As much as he could chill out being naturally nervous. The farmer had gone away for a little while so at least he could relax for a little while.
It was at this stage in his life that Brian made his first ever friend. Stood alone in the field as usual he noticed across the farm a strange pinkish creature also stood apart from his own, obviously being snubbed. Now our hero is not a brave or confident sheep, I mean you hardly expect him to be do you? But something about this creature told him he was looking at his destiny and slowly as if he was being drawn over there he headed towards the creature stood by himself.
"What are you?' he asked as he approached it.
"A Pig ' Came the sad slightly muffled response. The Pig turned around and looked at Brian with sad eyes, "What are you?"
" A sheep" Said Brian the sheep recoiling slightly at the sight of the open running sores across the pigs face. "Er.. what's your name Pig?"
"Mike" said Mike "Yours?'
"Brian" said Brian
The two animals stared at each other curiously for a moment, until embarrassment set in and so did the small talk.
"Nice day" stated Brian
"Yup" Answered Mike
"So what do you do round here?" Brian risked a sidewards glance at his new companion.
"This an that, you know."
" Yup." Brian cast about for something more to say. Being a loner hadn't really supplied him with to many conversation topics. He looked towards the barn and arrived at his answer.
"Farmers taken the cat with him and the mice are throwing a party, you hear about it?"
"Yeah, wasn't gonna go."
"Me neither. Everyone else is going so I wasn't going to."
"Same here"
"But " Brian swallowed and plunged on, "But, well we don't have to go by ourselves anymore do we? We can go now." He slammed his eyes shut in anticipation of a rejection .
"Yeah we could couldn't we?" Mike answered. "I mean just because everyone else is going, doesn't mean we can't."
Just like that it was settled. Brian and Mike were going as buddies to the mice's party and Brian had a pal. A pal with dripping open wounds around his mouth and feet but hey, Brian wasn't one to judge
To Be Continued