Miki s Greasy Box
Fill Miki’s greasy mailbox with your disgusting sexual problems on [email protected]
Bob it
Dear Miki,
Last weekend, I caught my bf of 2 months fucking my best friend from behind, his still chip-laden hands pawing at her saggy post-natal tits, in our local swimming pool. I was well pissed off. That night, he came round to apologise. We chatted over a takeaway and got a bit carried away. Even through baggy pants, his wigwam-like desire for me was obvious. I fingered myself, then let him smell it, and the moment of anticipation was over.
Macca
First, he inserted BBQ ribs into my dripping cunt as I sucked on his violet-veined member like a thick Macca’s milkshake, giving my magic chocolate button a good tongue-scrubbing the whole time. Then we shared our favourite 15” frog-headed, double-ended dildo, finishing the 3 hours with a mutual anal wanking. However, when he asked me to drink some beer which he had jizzed into, I cuffed him to the radiator, gagged him and hacked off his manhood, which I chucked down the waste disposal. Unfortunately, it jammed, and now pens. I can’t take bf to hospital, or even feed him as he just screams when I ungag him. He’s looking a bit thin and pale, and I have a partially minced knob lodged in the kitchen sink. What should I do?
V. D., Porthmadog
Miki says:
BF prob is easy, if logistically complex. Package him up in a good sturdy crate, perhaps reinforcing the gag with some gaffer tape. Send him to: Ladyboy Recruitment Division, Madame Widdecombe’s Brothel, Bangkok. Should earn enough back in fees to cover the postage and packaging. I have forwarded you a list of plumbers, graded by Penis length, girth and callout time/cost. Some will discount for sexual favours, but would prefer cash from you.
Honourable member?
Dear Miki,
I a hot blonde of 19 with a DD cup and a liking for frigging myself hard with root vegetables if nothing else is around.
Recently, however, I have discovered that my biggest turn on might be considered weird. You know when you are sitting on a bus, and an old freak gets on and sits right next to you, close up. He is over 90, smells of piss and is carrying an Asda bag with which he frantically fiddles while glancing quickly at your tits? God it makes me horny. I just want to rip open his trousers and sit on him, preferably while being licked out by the spastic git sitting a few seats away.
Am I weird? Am I a perv? My friends refuse to go on buses with me and my boyfriend has bought me driving lessons. Please help.
Emily, Massachusetts
Miki says:
Root vegetables, buses, old men, piss, the mentally impaired… Become an MP and all your dreams will come true.
Odour
Dear Miki,
I smell.
Please help.
A.V., Surrey
Miki says:
Dear A V (Virgin???)
Are you bird or bloke? Bird- a fat cock in you will shunt those worries away (boys mind smell? Since when?) Bloke- send me 10 pubes and £5K, for scientific analysis. Results and advice posted next month.
Greaser
Dear Miki
There once was a girl who met a great guy;
He was crowned “Anal King”, so she gave it a try.
So came a full month of fab, greasy, bum bliss;
Now he wants to use feet, is he taking the piss?
Saskia Smethering-Dyke, London SW3
Miki says:
You’ll love it. Try flippers.
Flick
Dear Miki,
I love Neighbours. I love Flick from Neighbours. She’s so young, fresh, makes my dick like Dumbo, shoot a load that could ice a wedding cake. I must have her. I am 28, a successful IT consultant in the City, she must want me! Should I go back to school? My work mates are complaining about my hard, throbbing cock brushing against them every day. What should I do?
B. Egan, London, N1
Miki says:
Find a whore. Under 30, still nice’n’tight. Go crazy, spend a fiver. Lick her up and down, watch her rub Slushies over her oiled, shaven pussy. Then let her sit on your face, warm piss gushing from her icy slit as she sticks crayons up your Jap’s eye. Or you could go to Oz, but you’ve made a small (bet it is…) enough cock of yourself already.
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Editor’s Note:
Miki is also available for children’s parties and bar mitzvahs.